Some news… November 5, 2009

I’m on day 3 of my fourth cycle… and I found out I will stay on escalated BEACOPP for 2 more cycles after this. On one hand, its really annoying, because this treatment is overwhelming for my body and my patience! On the other hand, it means I will be finished by the end of January. That’s not bad!

I’m feeling pretty crappy today. Very chemical-y and very tired. Also quite bloated from the silly steroids they give me. But that’s alright. After today, I can rest for the weekend.

I’ve come up with many craft projects and various other things to fill my time. Lots of knitting, crocheting and I am in the process of learning Spanish/espanol.

Life is still good. I am still tired.

May all beings be happy.

Mental Vomit November 1, 2009

I haven’t written anything on here for months. I had nearly no creativity. All of my resources were going toward a tremendous physical battle…leaving very little for anything else.

Turns out that I have cancer! Who knew? The ironic thing is that I was feeling the best I’ve ever felt. My discipline was growing, my practice was developing…and I found a yoga community that was suiting! What a strange time to get sick.

And boy oh boy, was I sick. The only symptom I had before the summer was a growth in my neck. And I was receiving homeopathic treatment from the resident doctor in the community. I thought I was doing really well. Then the summer came and I developed a fever – it was low and consistent. I didn’t worry too much about it, because I was told that it was purification. (Seems that every uncomfortable symptom is purification…) Then came the night sweats and itching. But what finally pushed me to go home was my incredible exhaustion. I couldn’t sleep for most of the night. I would wake up throughout the night. I didn’t feel rested at all. The dark circles under my eyes were serious!

Home sweet home. I decided that I needed some medical attention. I came home to my dad and brother…my mother came soon after. We had a doctor come to the house, because I was in no condition to leave the bed. He had me sent straight to the hospital for testing. Three days of testing later, I was the new face of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had stage 3 of the disease and it had spread to most of my lymph nodes, my spleen and bone marrow.

The treatment plan was 6 months of chemo, starting with escalated BEACOPP, which is 98% effective with Hodgkin’s. If BEACOPP is successful in eliminating all of the cancer cells, I move down to ABVD, which is less aggressive and not as often. I’ve had 3 cycles so far and I have my 4th starting on Tuesday this week. After my first 2 cycles, I had a PET CT scan to see my progress and even though 90% of the cancer cells have gone, there are still two areas where there are cancer cells. SO…my doctor decided to continue with escalated BEACOPP for two more cycles. Blech.

I’m hoping this one is the last.

Chemotherapy is extremely effective with Hodgkin’s and I’m feeling so much better than I did before I started. But the cumulative effects of the chemo are starting to become obvious. I am looking forward to finishing with treatment, so I can clean my body out! Detox from all this poison.

God willing, I will be finished with all Western cancer treatments by the end of February. Then I can move on.

As for the emotional side of things. There are good days and bad days. Some days I feel so trapped in this apartment in the sky. And on those days, I just want to hide in bed. Other days, I feel so nauseous that I can’t help but feel depressed, cranky and introverted. The bad days are usually during my 2 weeks of chemo.

Then there are the good days! I feel so blessed during my 10 days of freedom. Happiness oozes from me! Without the bad days, the good days are less sweet. They go together…

Oh and I’m bald! I’ve never been bald before. This is an experience. I have a new found respect for baldness and people who sport it. I do prefer having hair. Honestly, I miss my body hair. I miss having the option of growing it or not. But its not as bad as I imagined it to be. So what? I’m bald.

So, that’s my current existence. Bald, happy, depressed and most importantly hilarious! (My sense of humor has become both extremely morbid and very funny…)

At the end of the day, I have to admit, that I feel lucky to be in this position. There is so much to learn in this situation. Medically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Life is beautiful. It always has been, it always will be.

 

Like a jedi… March 8, 2009

So…I’ve been here on Koh Phangan since the 1st of the year. And since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been chest high in yoga – techniques, philosophy, nutrition…you name it, I’ve talked/studied/experienced/learned about it. And the time has passed so quickly! I can’t believe we have three more weeks and then its over..

During the course of the 2nd month, I started teaching my fellow course-takers. I’ve taught yoga before, but what we learn here is so different. You can’t just relay the information, you have to express it from within. I’ve been struggling for years on how to take all this knowledge I’ve accumulated as a student and somehow pass it on to those around me. On a small scale, I’ve been successful, but when more people are involved, I fall back into old patterns. (Mostly involving the lack of self-confidence to share what I know.) This is something that has been coming up alot here and I think I’ve overcome a segment of it. Slowly slowly

Another aspect of my time here has been the intense purification my body has been going through. A couple days ago, I went to Koh Samui to extend my visa and took some passport pictures. Afterwards, I was looking through my wallet and realized I had taken some passport pictures in December before I left Israel. And I look like a different person! My eyes are different. My face looks different. I look at least 5 years older in the Israel picture. I don’t know if its the yoga or the macrobiotic diet I’ve been on…but I can’t believe how different I look. I wish I could scan the photos and put them on here. Another time..

I’ve realized that I’ve found something really special over here. I’ve always loved this island, but now, I have the island and this amazing community of fellow yogis. It looks like I’ll be here studying and teaching for as long as it makes sense. Its hard work…even though I am in Paradise…

Studying yoga…really studying yoga, committing to it….is like studying to be a jedi, working at becoming a warrior of light. And that’s where I am. I know this is where I’m supposed to be and I thank God I found it.

Happy New Year! January 1, 2009

Its January 1st and I thought it would be appropriate to start this year off with a proper blog entry. I haven’t written in here since I was in India and so much (and so little) has happened since!

At the moment, I’m in Israel and I arrived at the end of November. While in Kerala, I realized that after the panchakarma treatment, I need to go “home” and rest. I knew home wasn’t going to be the U.S., but Israel was a close second. (I think my definition of home is where the bed is comfy, warm and clean and there’s a bathtub — and you don’t have to pay daily!) And so I came home.

I was really weak after the treatment. I could barely stay awake past 9pm. I didn’t have the strength to really go out and see people. I stayed put and made myself as much kitcheree (Indian medicinal rice/lentil dish) as I could swallow.

Enter Tom. About a week after I arrived, my ex-boyfriend and I decided to see each other and attempt friendship. Or at least try. And it was great fun at first! We were laughing so much and learning/remembering so much about one another.

Then…as always, we fell back into our old relationship patterns. And it stopped being fun. So, we broke up again. But this time, we aren’t even going to try being friends. Its bittersweet…AND I feel FREE!

As a wonderful comparison to the difficulties Tom and I face in our patterns, I have my friendship with Sarah. Spending time with her reminds me that I want to be loved and appreciated by all those I allow into my life. And its easy, it doesn’t take effort. Yes, we get irritated and impatient with each other sometimes…yet, it isn’t complicated. The storms pass easy…

Other than Sarah and Tom, I have also been spending time with Moran (my cousin) and Ruthie (my aunt). The story of my family is long and complicated and I will not waste the words to describe it right now…but I will say its been a really tough 5 years. And I would also like to say that I’ve had a wonderful time with both Moran and Ruthie. I’ve been learning so much about myself and how I effect others. How others effect me. Its been very eye-opening.

I miss Safta…and spending time with her daughter (Ruthie) is a gift. I can’t explain why, but since Safta died, Ruthie reminds me more and more of Aviva. So, how could I not cross the divide and be open to a new friendship! Safta would be so happy.

And throughout this time in Israel, I’ve been trying to decide what I was going to do in January. It was either go back to Koh Phangan and do the Agama teacher training or stay in Israel and perhaps volunteer somewhere…(or perhaps even work!). The answer came when I got accepted into the TTC. Back to Thailand! Nobody has to twist my arm! I’m really looking forward to this 3 month period of time in beautiful Koh Phangan. My home away from home.

And that’s where I am today. My flight is at 10:30pm. And I couldn’t be leaving at a better time. War is imminent in Israel right now and if I don’t have to be here, I will gladly leave. Its just too difficult to watch.

Since I was in India, there was this trend of terrible things happening right after I left the place (I don’t think I have anything to do with the events, but I do think I am being watched over…) For instance, the bombings in Delhi back in September happened 2 days after I left. And the terrorist attacks in Mumbai also happened 2 days after I left. Now, leaving Israel feels similar. But hopefully, things will not escalate here.

And that’s how I’ll end this. May all beings be happy…

and of course, PEACE in the middle east.

Panchakarma (what the hell am I doing here??) October 25, 2008

So…I left Rishikesh…sigh…and it hurt! Like pulling an old tree from the ground, roots and all. My heart still aches when I think about it.

And that’s life!

Now, I’m in Kerala about 12 km outside of Thrissur. Its so beautiful here. Green and tropical. And its raining! So much! Now I know what monsoon means.

I’m doing a one month panchakarma treatment, which is a big part of Ayurveda (classical Indian medicine). I’ve been wanting to do this for years and finally I’m in it.

A day in the life…

6am – An oily laxative that tastes like nothing but is VERY effective.

6:45 – nasya treatment – My face is rubbed with oil and then massaged with a hot towel, focusing on my sinues. Then a ghee (clarified butter) preparation is put up my nose. This is followed by me spitting and coughing up all the mucus I can. (delicious!)

7:45 – Milk tea (doesn’t that make more mucus? They know best!)

I usually lay in bed and do a Sudoku puzzle or read at this point. Today, I played cards with my neighbors. 

9am – breakfast. Its the same every day. Ugh. And its always one color. WHITE! How depressing.

The laxative usually takes effect after breakfast. Good times.

11am – Dhanyakkizhi (or in English, bundle massage) This massage is like nothing I ever experienced before (and I’ve experienced all sorts of massage!). I’m naked (except for this weird loincloth thing-y) and have to lay on this hard table. They (two therapists) spread oil all over my body and then take these warm bundles of cloth (filled with sand, maybe) and pound on my body methodically (about 45 times on each part). I start on my back, then side, then back, then other side, and then front again. Then I’m washed with this lentil-based powder.

Its weird. But interesting…my only real problem with it is the table. Its too hard. My body aches from benig pounded on this ruthless table!

After the massage, I rest until lunch. Reading, whatever…in a supine position.

1pm – lunch. The best meal of the day. Still not very good. (And I LIKE indian food). At lunch I get a medicine that takes like licorice.

After lunch, I go back to my room and continue the difficult relaxation process. I’m reading Lord of the Rings right now and assorted spiritual texts. I just finished a book called Aghora by Robert Svoboda about his insane guru. It was defnitely interesting.

3:30pm – Medicated Eye Wash – A therapist comes to my room and gives me an eyewash. It makes me cry a little, but painless otherwise.

In the afternoon, I read, dance, do yoga, meditation, all sorts of things.

5:30pm – more medicine

6:45 – Dinner. And more medicine.

And that’s the end of my day. I go back to my room, read, etc…

Every 7 days the treatments change. I have 2 more to go with this one.

And that’s where I am. I feel good. I’m happy I’m here, even though its really strange. I guess I mean to say that India is really strange. And ayurveda is just part of the insane universe that is India.

Let’s see how I feel in a week!

As to what I’m doing after this. I have no idea. Even though I have to buy a ticket soon-ish. I’m leaning heavily towards Israel. I’m starting to feel pangs of homesickness.

I feel blessed.

I hope you all do.

namaste.

Still in Rishikesh! October 12, 2008

Its October 12th and I still haven’t left rishikesh. I was supposed to go to Dharamsala about 3 weeks ago and it just didn’t happen. I’m home here. Well, in some odd way…I feel like I’m home. My heart is calm. The Ganga soothes me daily…no matter what I’m going through.

I cut off my hair last week. Right after Rosh Hashana. I had this strong feeling that it was time to let go of the past and all the emotions stuck inside my rastot. And the change has been very obvious to me. I feel lighter. I feel like myself. I feel like a new person. And I’m ready to keep moving…down the path to Self-realization…self-actualization…

Its been good fun in Rishikesh. I’ve been spending a majority of my time meeting people in Freedom Cafe, a restaurant that serves yummy food and caters to people who like to sit on the floor while eating . Most of the travelers here are Israeli, but I’ve met all sorts of people, from all over the world. Sitting there all day is always stimulating, because the people are constantly changing and so are the stories.

I’ve been drawing so much here. I should post some of the pictures on here. The creativity flows like the Ganga.

At the moment, I’ve come down with a sinus infection. Its terrible and I’m not used to feeling sick. I should want to hide under my blanket until it passes. But what good will that do? Even better, continue my daily routine with tissues and medicine next to me. By the way, I went to an ayurvedic doctor when I first started feeling ill and he was really attentive…he put these medicinal oil drops in my nose and then gave me a 15 minute head, face and neck massage. It was lovely! Now that’s health care!

On the note, stay healthy and happy.

Until next time…

Walking along in Rishikesh in the rain… September 19, 2008

Yesterday, the sky opened and it started to rain. I’ve been here a week and not a drop. In fact, its been so swelteringly hot that I could barely move. So much sweating! I didn’t know it was possible. But here iam, covered up and in need of a pair of socks. The autumn is coming.

The rain is quite amazing. The rain clouds are so low that they are hanging out in the surrounding mountain range. Its like a fairy tale! I’m expecting magical creatures to come flying out! The cows are pretty magical with their huge eyes and even bigger cowpies!

Rishikesh has been kind to me and I honestly couldn’t tell you what I’ve been up to! Its mostly food and reading. I took a few yoga classes and as much as I enjoyed them, I am not feeling very able to commit. My revolution right now seems more internal. Thoughts and images moving around in my head. Trying to keep it simple and calm and I feel pretty successful.

I’m off to Dharamsala in 2 days. I’m going up there to enjoy another side of Indian culture, the Tibetan side. According to other travellers, Dharamsala is completely different than other parts of India. People are unintrusive, respectful and helpful. I would really like to see that! I’m also taking an Intro to Buddhism course at a monastery in the mountains. I’m looking forward to the quiet and the contemplation.

Even though, things are planned, I have a hard time keeping them concrete. Things seem to change every moment and my job is to be easy and allow the change, rather than grasp for something I desire. Let it be as it is…

I’m happy. And I hope you all are as well.

India kind of…smells… September 13, 2008

Jonathan asked for a description of the cities I had been in…and this is what came out. I didn’t write about all the places I’ve been, only the most clear.

Let’s start with the first city. Calcutta. Smell of smoke. So many people on the street. Mostly men. Washing, begging, smoking, chatting, sleeping. When you see a woman, she is usually with a child and she uses the child to beg. All the buildings seemed run down and disgusting. Shit and piss in the streets. (And this was in the tourist-y areas!) I didn’t feel calm or safe. I felt like I had to leave immediately. The way men look at you here is really disconcerting. And so different than Thailand! A smile is just a smile there. Here…if (God forbid) you smile, you are opening yourself up to a big hassle!

Delhi…well, I was only there for a bit. This was my impression…during the rickshaw ride to the place we were going, about 5 or 6 children came up to the rickshaw begging. You can barely look at them. People selling everything you can imagine (food, toothbrushes, steering wheel covers). Apparently, Delhi has alot of rich people, but they are all living outside the city and only go around with private drivers. So, the rickshaw drivers in town are completely incompetant…they don’t know where anything is. (Well, places that tourists go to…) We were looking for a restaurant for about an hour (if not more) and it was the most frustrating thing, because it was just around the corner from where we were…Indians don’t seem to make things easy. Everything is complicated.

Rishikesh is different. Its a “holy” city, so there’s less leering from men and more “holy” men begging on the streets (all lots of people missing limbs…but that’s everywhere) Last night, we were walking back to the place we were staying (a creepy ashram) and on our walk, 2 guys on a motorbike drove by and smacked Fay on the arm. Then they turned around and came back and smacked her on the ass. It was awful and so rude. They have no consideration or common curtesy and they are VERY VERY sexually repressed…its ridiculous. (Holy city, my ass)

The place we were staying was pretty terrible as well. At 3am, they started their morning prayers…problem is, they do it on loud speakers…so, there was little sleeping. And they lasted until about 6am. So, we were exhausted! Here’s the best part, while I was packing, Vicky turns to me and says…”Healey…um, there’s a monkey behind you!” A huge macaque monkey walked into the room like he owned the place. Both our eyes were bugging out of our heads! He walked in, jumped on the bed and sat still. We didn’t know what to do, so we did what came naturally. Screamed and ran out the room! It was something.  Only in india…
Of course, these are only my opinions…and the funny thing is, they change daily. I usually love india when I’m clean and slept well and have a difficult time when I’m malnourished and slept in a flea-infested room. Its all relative. I feel like there’s something to overcome here. I don’t know what it is yet…but I do think I have to stick it through. I’ve been lucky enough to be traveling with Fay and Vicky, two lovely British girls. They have made this whole transition to India so much easier than if I have been alone.

I don’t know what I’ll do next. Whether I’ll stay in Rishikesh or move on. I thought I would stay here for 2 months, studying and what not…Not sure anymore. We’ll see in the morning!

you say calcutta, I say kolkata…let’s call the whole thing off! August 31, 2008

Oh India…

I got here a couple hours ago and I’m horrified! Fascinated…scared…excited.

I’m overwhelmed. I guess now isn’t the time to write. I don’t even know where to start. Except, I decided to get out of here tomorrow and head to Jaipur, which is in Rajasthan. Don’t ask me why…that’s just the crazy decision I came to…

woo hoo! I’m in india.

peace

Here goes! August 28, 2008

I’m coming near the end of my time in Thailand. I’ve had an amazing 3 months. My mind has opened, my body has changed. I feel light, sprite and full of energy! I spent 5 weeks studying tantric yoga on Koh Phangan. The first 4 weeks were an introduction to the practice of yoga and the last week I took a class dealing specifically with tantric sexuality. It was very eye-opening. All I need now is someone to practice with.. <wink>

Now, I feel confident with my yoga practice (with its asanas, purifications techniques and meditation) and I’m ready to check out that lovely subcontinent called India. I’m nervous, excited and I have no idea what to expect. I know I will see the highs and lows of my nature while I’m there…it will be trying, but I feel ready. I am brave.

At the moment, my plans are not concrete. I know I have to be in Rishikesh by September 21st. So, that’s 3 weeks of openness…

There’s where I will end this for now.

much love and peace and bliss..