Mental Vomit

I haven’t written anything on here for months. I had nearly no creativity. All of my resources were going toward a tremendous physical battle…leaving very little for anything else.

Turns out that I have cancer! Who knew? The ironic thing is that I was feeling the best I’ve ever felt. My discipline was growing, my practice was developing…and I found a yoga community that was suiting! What a strange time to get sick.

And boy oh boy, was I sick. The only symptom I had before the summer was a growth in my neck. And I was receiving homeopathic treatment from the resident doctor in the community. I thought I was doing really well. Then the summer came and I developed a fever – it was low and consistent. I didn’t worry too much about it, because I was told that it was purification. (Seems that every uncomfortable symptom is purification…) Then came the night sweats and itching. But what finally pushed me to go home was my incredible exhaustion. I couldn’t sleep for most of the night. I would wake up throughout the night. I didn’t feel rested at all. The dark circles under my eyes were serious!

Home sweet home. I decided that I needed some medical attention. I came home to my dad and brother…my mother came soon after. We had a doctor come to the house, because I was in no condition to leave the bed. He had me sent straight to the hospital for testing. Three days of testing later, I was the new face of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had stage 3 of the disease and it had spread to most of my lymph nodes, my spleen and bone marrow.

The treatment plan was 6 months of chemo, starting with escalated BEACOPP, which is 98% effective with Hodgkin’s. If BEACOPP is successful in eliminating all of the cancer cells, I move down to ABVD, which is less aggressive and not as often. I’ve had 3 cycles so far and I have my 4th starting on Tuesday this week. After my first 2 cycles, I had a PET CT scan to see my progress and even though 90% of the cancer cells have gone, there are still two areas where there are cancer cells. SO…my doctor decided to continue with escalated BEACOPP for two more cycles. Blech.

I’m hoping this one is the last.

Chemotherapy is extremely effective with Hodgkin’s and I’m feeling so much better than I did before I started. But the cumulative effects of the chemo are starting to become obvious. I am looking forward to finishing with treatment, so I can clean my body out! Detox from all this poison.

God willing, I will be finished with all Western cancer treatments by the end of February. Then I can move on.

As for the emotional side of things. There are good days and bad days. Some days I feel so trapped in this apartment in the sky. And on those days, I just want to hide in bed. Other days, I feel so nauseous that I can’t help but feel depressed, cranky and introverted. The bad days are usually during my 2 weeks of chemo.

Then there are the good days! I feel so blessed during my 10 days of freedom. Happiness oozes from me! Without the bad days, the good days are less sweet. They go together…

Oh and I’m bald! I’ve never been bald before. This is an experience. I have a new found respect for baldness and people who sport it. I do prefer having hair. Honestly, I miss my body hair. I miss having the option of growing it or not. But its not as bad as I imagined it to be. So what? I’m bald.

So, that’s my current existence. Bald, happy, depressed and most importantly hilarious! (My sense of humor has become both extremely morbid and very funny…)

At the end of the day, I have to admit, that I feel lucky to be in this position. There is so much to learn in this situation. Medically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Life is beautiful. It always has been, it always will be.



2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by vanessa on November 5, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    i just wanted you to know ben and i are sending you so much love and metta. i know we haven’t seen each other in a long time but you are in my heart. love, vanessa


  2. It’s so good to be in touch with you again Healey. I’m sending you happy thoughts 🙂


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