Digestion

Writing is a sign of getting better. Writing makes me feel creative and alive. When I’m not writing or creating something, it means something is wrong.

Cancer sucks my will to live, whether it’s my body, mind or soul. It is an insidious enemy. Quietly and selfishly, taking what I love most about myself and my life. Sneaking around, shoving everything it can into its gaping void and growing and growing.

When people say, “your cancer” or “my cancer”, I cringe. I take no ownership of this monster, although it is made of my cells. Once upon a time, I would ask myself, “what did I do to deserve this?” or “I deserve this, because…” Today, I understand that I didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t deserve this. It just happens sometimes.

Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. And I’ve understood and digested that.

And with that knowledge, it is easier to let go of all that weight I was carrying on my shoulders. Sometimes, I just feel like shit. And it may be because of the cancer or treatments or whatever. And that is also ok. During those times, I don’t want to see people or go places. I just want to be alone.

But then there are the times when I wake up in the morning and I think to myself, “It would be lovely to have a cup of coffee right now.” Those are the days I crave. Those are the days that I feel like myself again. If my stomach can handle coffee, I can handle anything!

Since July, I have been in a dark place, fighting for my life and almost losing. I am now getting back to myself. Laughing, eating, creating, enjoying. I love to feel well. I know it sounds obvious, but when you feel crappy most of the time, feeling well is such a gift.

We all have our problems. Some struggle with physical illness, others with mental illness. There are people that seem like they have the perfect life from the outside, but who knows what they are going through? Our human minds can only comprehend what we are perceiving and experiencing. But there is the big picture. Life is an intricately woven tapestry that moves in ways we will never understand. Unless we become enlightened. But what does that even mean?

In October, I was hospitalized for 5 days. When I arrived at the hospital, I was not well at all. I was severely dehydrated with renal failure and hypokalemia (low potassium levels). During that time, I had all sorts of enlightening visions. In those moments, it was all clear. I can’t explain what I saw or how I understood it. I just remember coming out of the experience knowing that there is a big picture that I will never truly understand. I just have to remember to fight as much and as long as I can. There may even be a reason for all of this.

Several of my cancer-fighting warrior friends passed on this year. People that were such inspirations. Strong people, creative people. And it was heart-breaking. Leaving questions like, “If they couldn’t make it, how can I?”

But then, the idea of the big picture pops back in my head.

And this is the advice I give to myself (and others struggling with this or any other illness).

“Keep fighting, sister. Keep fighting as long as you can. Life isn’t simple, but all will be well if you keep focusing on the goal.”

In my case, the goal is getting cured and leading a “normal” life.

Amen.

 

IDL TIFF file

Speaking of the big picture. There something so beautiful about this nebula. It looks like an eye. Macro, micro. Amazing.

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8 responses to this post.

  1. Heal or shelanu,
    You are a hero and also a talented writer. I pray for you to see the light, to feel life at its fullness. You love life and you more than many people I know deserve to savour every morning, day evening and night! You are more than strong but a true fighter and I know deep inside that you are a winner. Even in the darkest moment remember how special and pursepusful you are and push one more push with a smile while you say דוקה I can do it.
    I am with you all the time, trusting your faith and will power.
    I love you very much, all of the Meidans are with you

    Reply

  2. Posted by feelandheal on December 11, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Thank you for that, Liora. That means so much to me. I love you too and I think that the support of my precious family has been my saving grace. Love you guys…

    Reply

  3. Posted by Milla on December 11, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    I love reading what you write. You have such a way with words… It gives me a good perspective on how you are feeling and what you’ve been going through too. Thanks for updating us, although I hope you know that I understand when you want your alone time too. Just know that I am thinking of you often, and hoping for only positive developments and news to come your way. Love you, seester ❤

    Reply

  4. Posted by Shaul Avin on December 11, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Healy,
    I think of you constantly and I hope for so hard and so much !!!
    Love you Motek .
    Shaul

    Reply

  5. Posted by Maura on December 11, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Healey Doll,
    Sending you love and strength as you are always in our hearts and minds. I don’t have the writing talent that you do, your words go to my soul, but I hope you can feel all that comes with these few lines. Love you love you love you …the Doll family

    Reply

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