Precious Time

How do people spend their time? How do I want to spend my time?

Some people spend their time caring for others, like doctors, nurses, therapists. Some people invest their resources into educating the masses. Others spend their time accumulating wealth or knowledge. There are also those that create, in all of art’s many forms. And then there are those who turn in circles trying to figure out what is good for them.

Lately, while watching a TV show or a movie, I think to myself, “Is this something I would enjoy doing?” I analyze all the factors that go into making said production. Is there any role I would enjoy playing? Actor – No, I don’t think so. Line memorization sounds tedious and I am not so good with performing on demand. Director – Probably not. There is just too much pressure to create something that is my vision, as well as, the studio’s. General production work – Talk about long hours and hard labor!

What about being a doctor? I’ve spent many hours in the hospital and during that time, I’ve watched different doctors in varying roles.  And no, I don’t think being a doctor is how I would want to spend my time.

Nurse? Maybe in another life. These people are angels, sent in to aid when necessary in their patients’ silent battle with disease. That’s the hematology department in my hospital, at least. It takes a strong personality and a whole lot of guts to deal with daily.

I’ve thought about spending my time as a musician, but the idea of performing in front of crowds of people sounds exhausting. And that’s only after you make it. Fame is not something I desire. It is one serious double-edged sword.  I think it brings out the worst in people. It can make them believe that they are better than others, when in fact, we are all the same. We are all born, we all die and in the middle, we poop and fart. All the same!

Then I get to thinking about how I spend my time and whether I am satisfied or not. Other than feeling weak and nauseated from the cancer treatments, I spend most of my time doing the things I love: reading, writing, drawing, cooking, baking, sharing with loved ones. I’m even taking a couple online literature courses.

Here are some yummy treats I made in the past couple days.

photo 1

Little rose-shaped clementine cakes a la Nigella Lawson and Walter Mitty

photo 2

This one came out of my own imagination. Strawberry “soup” with a touch of cream and almond/coconut crunch on top. It came out scrumptious.

For a long time, I had this belief that my life stopped when I got sick. Everything I wanted to do could not be done because I could not plan or study or travel or anything. But, this belief set is incorrect. Although I have been “stuck” in one place, going through some shitty shitty shit, I am still moving forward and still engaging in the worlds that inspire me.

One of the worlds that has shown me light and understanding repeatedly is the world of visual art. I’ve struggled with it for many years, due to internal and external voices trying to present a reality that was just not true. For the first time in my life (last fall) , I went to a proper art class, with a teacher and other students. And it was terrifying. But, it helped me find what I love to do (and what I don’t love to do.) I feel that every day that passes, I learn more about my strengths and weaknesses and how to move forward from them with grace.

I draw because it brings me peace. It expresses the brightest, happiest sides of myself. Even when I’m feeling down, focusing on artwork usually brings me around to clearer space, reminds of my truth.

To sum it all up, I am not a sick person who likes to draw. I am an artist, who happens to be going through some medical issues.

It’s a slight change in perspective, but it makes all the difference.

And with that, I say, Adieu.

May we all find that which brings us satisfaction.


2 responses to this post.

  1. I savor your writings..You write so deep and sincere that it makes me think.. I realize how caught I am in my daily task that I am failing to touch the artistic component that I much be able to find time for. There is a book I have bought a few years ago that is called: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, a spiritual path to a higher creativity. Let me know if you want me to send it to you with Ramoni. I have just put it on my desk, maybe I would finally read some of it. Just took a yoga class tonight (after years of not believing I can), it was pretty fulfilling.
    I love you! Continue your full enriching journey, I believe in you!


  2. Posted by Maura on January 21, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Doll, once again I find myself smiling through tears while reading your post. You have many many talents and I am so happy to see you recognize them and find joy in them. Thank you for your beautiful writing and for making something come alive in me every time I read them. I love you.


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