Adventures with Kali

When weather permits, I like to take Kali to this park behind the market.  It’s of moderate size and full of lovely trees that are in blossom at the moment. Most of the time, the park is full of homeless people and Ethiopians (some of the homeless are Ethiopian…but not all…). Kali and I usually bump into other dogs on these walks and I enjoy these meetings. I like seeing her interact with other dogs. She gets so excited and jumps right in. We have met many different dogs from Pitbulls to mini Pekineses. Kali is an equal opportunity player. They just have to have the right attitude. If there were words to describe it, it would be a “Happy happy joy joy” attitude.

Today, at around noon, I took her for a walk. It was too hot outside, but I knew she had to pee, so I made an executive decision. While we were in the park, we met another French Bulldog. He was a male and very skinny. He actually didn’t look well at all. They seemed to get along fine, but his owner told me not to pet him, because he bites. It made me so sad.  She claims that he’s always been fearful of people. I seriously doubt he came out of the womb that way. It was hard to see…and it made me feel so protective of Kali. When I first brought her home, she was skittish and seemed fearful at times. But that’s passed. She is more and more affectionate (and spoiled J ) each day. She’s not perfect. She still jumps on people and isn’t housebroken, but she has a good life. Full of exercise, boundaries and kisses.

She also licked human poo today. That’s right. Human poo. Kali is generally not interested in dog feces. She likes cat poo. But today, she licked (only once, I snatched her away when I saw her getting close) something that was neither dog nor cat. It had to be human. Couldn’t they have the decency to bury it? It was gross. I digress.

Every day is an adventure with this little one. She makes me laugh and cry. She always keeps me on my toes. And I am feel so grateful daily that I made the decision to bring her home.  I don’t know what I would do without her. She fills something that I didn’t even know was missing.

Nostalgia

Dear Eddy,

You were in my dream last night. Actually, you’ve been floating around my head for the past couple days. I came across a girl on facebook that reminded me of you. And when I looked you up, I found out that you are working as an actor on Broadway and in Hollywood! I think that’s wonderful.

It made me think back to our times together, which usually revolved around plays or drama class. We did Wizard of Oz and you played a munchkin. I played Dorothy. The next year, we did another play (maybe it was Up the Down Staircase?) and you had the lead role. All of these memories are more fragments than actual stories…but every time I think of you, I have feelings of comfort and fondness. I remember during rehearsals we would cuddle backstage gossiping about our classmates. Or our late night phone conversations where we discussed our adolescent angst…

At the end of 8th grade, we did a scene together that was really adult and really pushed me out of my comfort zone. There was some violence and some affection. It took place in the 60’s. That’s about all I remember…

Much love to you, Eddy, in this exciting phase of your life. I’m so happy for you and I hope that all your dreams are coming true.

always,

healey

ps. one of these days I’m going to find a picture from the Wizard of Oz to put on here. Its classic!

Let’s try dog therapy.

That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Keeping myself occupied and present with my dear Kali. She’s great fun and so loving..

How cute is that? She looks like a frog.

Kali reminds me of some very important things. First, she reminds me to be present. She’s always present. Enjoying everything around her. When she’s happy, she’s truly happy. Upset, just upset. She seems to feel everything deeply and presently. I’m taking a few pointers.

She also accepts herself just as she is. She doesn’t feel ugly because she has wrinkles. She’s not embarrassed when she farts or snores… (and let me tell you, her farts can clear a room!)

Presence and acceptance. My lesson for today.

Balance…and a therapist.

Me and a friend of mine were diagnosed with cancer within a couple months of each other. We were neighbors and classmates in Thailand. If we had the same type of cancer, I would think that Koh Phangan had something to do with it, be it the water or the pollution (even paradise is polluted…). But that doesn’t seem to be the case.

And that’s not really what I wanted to talk about.

I spoke to him the other day and he told me that in April he was flying to the states to study macrobiotics in the Kushi Institute (http://www.kushiinstitute.org/). He finished treatment about a week ago and he’s already planning on a big trip. I’m so proud of him and his ability to move on and keep moving.

I also have plans. But every time I start trying to make them happen, I feel scared, overwhelmed, panicked. It makes me just want to stay here in Haifa and wait until the storm passes. And it makes me think that maybe my psychological state is not as sturdy as I once thought. Maybe its time for therapy.

I read about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in people who have suffered from cancer, but I don’t think that’s what is going on with me. I’m not scared of the hospital, I don’t have trouble sleeping…in fact, I don’t really have any of the symptoms. I’m tired, but its because I run after a puppy all day. (BTW, Kali is a dear. She is so smart. I enjoy her immensely…she has some quirks, but I’ll leave that for another entry)

I just feel panicked.

I’ve been to a few therapists in my life and I’ve never really had a click. (I even had an incident where a therapist was very inapproriate with me.) I’m looking for a therapist that gives me the space to feel heard and respected. I majored in psychology in university, so I’m familiar with the purpose and the protocol. I would just like to meet a therapist that thinks on the same level that I do. Someone who is like-minded.

I can also do my own therapy at home. This blog is a type of therapy. So is Kali.

And hopefully, as the time passes, so will the panic.

I am planning on going back to school in October and I’m really looking forward to it. It seems very far away. But its still something to look forward to…always a plus when dealing with depression.

It reminds me of Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. He was a psychiatrist (and Holocaust survivor) who developed a type of therapy called logotherapy. This was based on finding meaning in all of our experiences, good or bad. And the idea that having a goal (and hope) can get humans out of the most trying spaces. The book is fantastic. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logotherapy

So, blah blah blah.

Have a beautiful day. I have a fun walk ahead of me.

Good things to come.

So, I’m an official dog owner. Kali is my dog and I am responsible for her. I have to feed her and take her out for walks. I have to make sure she’s entertained. And I have to love her (not that its difficult…)

Here is another sweet picture of her (with Simon…the day they met) By the way…Simon is very confused by her. He really doesn’t know what to make of it. He growls a bit. But he mostly just ignores her. I’m sure he will warm up to her eventually.

And I have a sweet video of her sleeping/snoring. I wonder if her snoring is going to get louder as she gets older. If so, I may have a problem.

My pet history is an interesting one. Not including the dogs and birds I grew up with as a child, I have had a dog and a cat.

At the age of 23, I moved to Boulder with a boyfriend. I was pretty miserable from the beginning. He moved there to study. I moved there…well, I don’t really know why. To get out of Miami seems to be the most likely reason. About a month after we arrived, we went to a mall for some unknown reason. And we made the disastrous mistake of walking into a pet store that was full of puppies. I don’t know if stores like that still exist, but it was horrible. The sweetest little puppies, in cages, all drugged up. I was really upset. And without really thinking about it, we bought one. I wanted to save him from that terrible place. (I had a history of doing silly things like that. I once bought a hedgehog from a pet store for the same reason.)

I now know that buying pets from these stores only perpetuates the problem. You live, you learn.

So, that’s how Bodhi came into my life. (Its short for Bodhisattva.) He was a Cairn Terrier. This is what he looked like.

Very cute. Very sweet. We only had him for a week. The apartment building we lived in didn’t allow pets (even though the rent contract stated something different). I could have fight. I could have argued. But I didn’t. I wasn’t the assertive woman I am today. So…we said goodbye to our sweet Bodhi. It was really sad.

Then a year and a half later, I found a kitten. At this point, I had been living on Kibbutz Lotan for 6 months and I was planning on staying indefinitely. It was a cold winter’s day and I was sitting outside the dining hall with my dear friend Nicole. We heard soft, urgent meowing coming from the direction of the laundry room. We walked around the back and saw this bundle of fur underneath the laundry vent. (how smart! it was freezing, but he was warm.) And that’s how I met Ayuni. And here’s a picture of Ayuni.

Ayuni and I parted ways that summer. I thought I was going to the states for a short period of time, but it turned into almost 4 months. My boyfriend at that time offered his parents as babysitters. And they fell in the love with the little sucker. It wasn’t even an option for me to take him back when I returned to Israel.

I realized that the last two pets I’ve had were connected to boyfriends, so their memories always seem to be interwoven with those broken relationships.

Having Kali is a new step for me. There are no boyfriends involved. Its refreshing.

On that note, may you all have a beautiful weekend. With healthy relationships and happy puppies…

The beginning of the rest of my life..

Today is a big day for me. Its the day I find out my next step. I am not anxious. Nor nervous. Just ready for an answer. My poor blog suffers from my confusion and inability to move on…(don’t worry, mr. blog. I will have something to share very soon.)

On a sweeter note, Jonathan is back. And he really enjoyed the vipassana retreat he attended. He’s all calm and happy. Its nice to see.

On that note, wish me luck! I hope the results are conclusive.

And as a treat, a picture from the Church of the Annunciation in Nazareth. Take a good look. There’s a man behind me who is very unhappy with my behavior. I got reprimanded after this picture was taken. Apparently, posing and smiling is just not “holy” enough. What can I say? I’m a blasphemer.

On that note, sending lots of love…I hope you all have a beautiful day…

Remember waterbeds?

My mom and I were chatting last night after dinner and she was telling me a story about being pregnant with Jonathan. She mentioned that she had a hard time getting out of bed because it was a waterbed.

Remember those? What a weird idea! Sleeping on water. I don’t know if its the smartest invention ever, but it was definitely creative.

It even made it to the Bad Fads Museum. http://www.badfads.com/pages/activities/waterbed.html

Ha! Now that’s an exciting bedroom set. Straight out of the 80’s.

I don’t remember whether I found my parents’ waterbed so comfortable. Maybe it was amazing. I imagine I would find it too soft. I like my beds a little harder. And it just seems to be more trouble than its worth.

Someone must be smiling down upon me…

It really feels that way.

Here’s why.

Yesterday, I was scheduled to do a PET CT scan to see if I’m in remission or not. And I wasn’t really looking forward to it. The last two times I’ve had it done, it was pretty traumatizing.

A typical PET CT experience.

Go to the front counter. Give information. Wait.

30 minutes later. Get called to a room and have your blood sugar tested and an needle inserted.

Go to a waiting room. Get injected with radioactive sugar substance and given 1 and a half liters of a barium drink to finish over an hour and a half.

Wait an hour and a half. Try not to move very much.

A technician comes it. Tells you to wait outside the PET scan room.

Go inside. Get on the table. Get strapped in.

Don’t move for 40 minutes.

Done.

Go outside and wait to make sure the results are viable.

Now, really done.

This is what the machine looks like.

And here is more info on the exam. http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?PG=pet#part_one

The first time I did a PET scan, I was very ill. It was before I started chemo and I was still suffering from the “B” symptoms (fever, sweating, strange itching, exhaustion). I was also weak and fragile. I went into the room to get the needle inserted and it hurt terribly. I generally don’t like getting pricked, but that time it hurt much than usual. I started crying. I think more from the shock of it than the actual pain.  Then I had to drink the barium stuff. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t pleasant. The worst part was getting in the machine. I couldn’t relax and I was very hot and itchy. (Don’t forget, they STRAP you in.) So, it was not fun AT ALL.

The second time was less traumatic, but I still had the first experience in my head. The needle person still didn’t know what to do with my fragile veins (a by-product of chemo) and I had a nasty bruise for days. The actual procedure was easier to endure, because I actually fell asleep. Not bad.

Why was yesterday so special? Well, beforehand, I was obsessing about the needle insertion. How it was going to hurt, etc. It put me in a bad mood and I didn’t want to deal with it. My mom and I went up to the Hematology ward to see if I could get a blood test for my meeting on Monday with the doctor. (He had asked us to go to medical services to do it, but we decided to try to do it at the hospital.) The nurse who gave me the blood test (Her name is Alette.) happens to be my favorite. She is gentle and confident and even when it hurts, it hurts less because she’s there telling me stories about her childhood in Holland or her rebellious daughter. The best part was that we didn’t have to remove the needle. No unnecessary pain from incompetent technicians! That already put me in a better mood.

Next, the wait in the place took about 5 minutes and the woman behind the counter was really nice to us. I still got my blood sugar taken, but that was nothing. And they decided that I didn’t need to drink the barium stuff. (Yes!). All I had to do was relax. And the actual test was easy peasy. I fell asleep again.

In Hebrew, there is a phrase חוויה מתקנת (chavaya metakenet). It means a “fixed experience”. My time yesterday really cleared up the trauma from the first experience. It was broken and now its fixed. Love that.

And that’s it for today.

Love to my loyal listeners…and to anyone who happens upon this page.

Wishing you all health and happiness.

The Road to Wellsville

During our trip to Thailand, Jonathan and I spent time in Chiang Mai learning Thai massage. Rachel and her mother Chris met us there and the four of us had an incredible time.  We pushed and pulled and sweated and laughed. It was wonderful. Below is a clip from one of our classes. I was the demo. 🙂

But that’s not the purpose of this entry. Today, I want to share an experience I had while I was there. During the time we were taking the course, our teacher Dot was studying acupuncture and she invited all of us to meet her teacher and get a treatment. Apparently, the man was amazing and could read the status of your health by looking at the skin on the inside of your legs and arms. Cool! I’m there.

Jonathan, Rachel and I went to his hotel. We were early. He didn’t speak English (or Thai, for that matter…he was from Taiwan). We sat in awkward silence for a while. Finally, one of his students showed up.

Jonathan went first and the man (I cannot remember his name. All I remember was that he smoked cigarettes. And smelled like cigarettes.) gave him a clean bill of health. In fact, he practically told him he was the perfect specimen of man. It made Jonathan very smug for the next couple of days.

Then it was my turn. And I wasn’t so lucky. He told me that I was very imbalanced and if I didn’t deal with it soon, I would have health problems later on. The two areas that seemed the most problematic were my uterus and my pericardium (the sac surrounding the heart – often called the heart protector).

Whoa…so, for the next 3 days (until we left for Koh Phangan) I was in that hotel room getting acupuncture treatments.

Did it work? I don’t know. But it was definitely an eye-opening experience and the beginning of one of my biggest overhauls.

Nine months earlier, I started seeing an acupuncturist in Gainesville. She was a student in the Academy for Five Element Acupuncture. (http://www.acupuncturist.edu/cms_content/index.php) Our weekly treatments were so helpful. She was a doctor/therapist/friend. It was also my first experience with acupuncture. (It was so positive for me that Jonathan got curious and started seeing her as well.) She helped me through so much. We clicked. It was inspiring.

These two experiences with acupuncture made me very curious. I was even considering going back to Gainesville after my trip and studying acupuncture. Alas, that’s not how the story goes.

And now I’m here. And I’m looking for stability. For community. For mental stimulation. For job satisfaction. I love helping people. With massage therapy and yoga, I can do just that. Yet, I can always continue studying. That’s why I’m considering enrolling in acupuncture school this coming fall. It seems very far away, but even the idea of it excites me.

I send my desire out into the universe. Let’s hope it agrees.

Have a beautiful day. Stay warm!

Adventures in Annunciation

Yesterday, my mom and I went on an adventure. We visited our dear friend who lives in Nazareth. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazareth)

We went to visit all the important churches and took lots of pictures. We really were Japanese tourists. No offense to anybody from Japan.

Our first stop was the Church of the Annunciation (sometimes called the Basilica of the Annunciation). My mom kept asking me what that meant. And now I know.

The angel Gabriel came down from Heaven and told Mary that she was bearing God in human form. This was magical and amazing because she was a virgin. Christians call this event the Annunciation and the Roman Catholic Chruch believe it occurred in that area.

Countries from all over the world created mosaics and paintings that depicted their idea of Mary. The entire courtyard was filled with them. Some were beautiful. Some were sad. Some were exciting. It was interesting to see how different cultures depict one character from their common religion.

What a stunning space. I took some pictures, but my camera died early in the adventure. (Our friend Areej continued to take pictures, I just don’t have them at the moment) My favorite part was the stained glass. On the outside, it just looks black. No color. And on the inside, the colors are brilliant.

The reflection from the glass onto the floor was also amazing. Almost more so than the actual windows.

As usual, pictures of beautiful things do not do justice to their beauty in reality.

We continued into the Nazareth Market (or as the sign said the Nazareth Bazaar). It was very reminiscent of every Arab city I had visited in the country so far (Akko, Jerusalem). Beautiful, full of Christian souvenirs. We went into two more churches. The Synagogue Church and the Church of St. Gabriel. All the spaces were quite stunning.

The Synagogue Church (owned by the Melkite Greek Catholics – a type of eastern Catholic in full union with the Roman Catholic Church) is located inside the bazaar. They believe that Jesus preached in that site.

The last church we went to was the Church of St. Gabriel. It was built by the Greek Orthodox Church as an alternative site for the Annunciation. The church is located over a spring where they believe Mary was drawing water when Gabriel came down to her. Another beautiful space in the Holy land. It almost makes me want to be a nun.

It was a beautiful day. Areej and her family are so kind and welcoming. I know I’ll be back soon. There’s so much more to see. One day was not enough.